8 Things You’ll Only Understand If “Ladylike” Just Isn’t How You Roll

  1. Whenever you let one slip out, you have no shame, and actually feel damn proud of it.

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2) You either date a like-minded guy who’s learned to accept and embrace your ways…

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3) …Or any guy dumb enough to hit on you is mincemeat.

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4) You feel goddess AF as a strong, independent woman who don’t need no razor.

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5) When you put on ANYTHING other than sweatpants, you’re like

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6) Anytime you watch a makeup tutorial on Youtube, you’ve never been more confused in your life.

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For that matter, instead of shooting some lipstick out of a tube….

7) You dream of shooting some missiles out of a cannon.

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8) But hey, different kicks for different chicks, and different scenes for different queens.

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College in September vs. November

  1. Your budget in September

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Your budget in November

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2) Your sleep cycle in September

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Your sleep cycle in November

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3) Hopes for your GPA in September

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Hopes for your GPA in November

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4) Your weekend plans in September

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Your weekend plans in November

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5) How you maintain your dorm in September

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How you maintain your dorm in November

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6) Suggesting that your squad all get Starbucks/Chipotle in September OR November

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7 Stages When New MAC/Sephora Products Are Released

 

  1. When gawking over dream additions to your cosmetic collection, heaven in a tube/palette pops up on the home page, making your pupils dilate and your heart rate speed up.

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2. Whether the Nutcracker Sweet Holiday pigments or the Sugar Lip Entourage, you’ll spend whatever you got and race for it!!

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3.Your bf/brother/dad insists that you already have an outrageously huge makeup supply. Fella, YOU HAVE 2 SECONDS TO TAKE BACK WHAT YOU JUST SAID!

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4. It then hits you that your budget is desperately needed for student loans.

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5. Being embarrassed to have to swallow pride, you act like you’re pondering this glossy/shimmery life-affecting decision.

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6. Wait! You recover hope at the sight of a relieving miracle in the form of a paycheck.

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7. DAYUM I AM SOOOO FLEEK AND I’M ROCKING THE LATEST SHADES.

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6 Moments That Are Too Real For People #GrowingUpWimpy

  1. FYI, Halloween is just not worth the nightmares, soiled pants, and sore-@$$ throat from screaming,

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I’m asking G-d politely for a remote to fast-forward through this excruciating season.

2) When my besties hit up the roller coasters, totally…will I hold everyone’s bags!!

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I know it’s “awesome,” but I’ll pass on being relentlessly thrashed all over the place.

3) Gym/PE class is a load of stupidity that was obviously created to torture me.

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Whoever first chose to make agony part of my education is an unforgivable jerk, so whoever makes gym/PE class illegal is a worshippable hero.

4) Yes, I know and agree getting a shot is vital to my health, but needles are the most traumatizing thing in the world.

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For the final time, I understand the helpful medical purposes, but I’ll take my chances to avoid having that sharp f**ker poked through my skin.

5) Bullies, especially in boy-on-boy situations, spent no time at all deciding on a victim,

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Speaking from girl experience, the NON-physical but still bitchy alternative is nothing new to me.

6) Ehhh, no big deelio though!!! Call me “chicken” all you want, but that’s just how I roll…and better safe than sorry :-p

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7 Moments Where Velvet Von Black Totally Understood You

1) When all your best buds ask you where you got your awesomeness from.

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2) When you sneak that very last spoonful of Nutella from that shared jar.

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3) When your literature prof hands back a legit unfair essay grade that dropped by a full letter for “not being coherent.”

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4) When your mom asks how soon you’ll get your own place, find a partner, and start a J-O-B.

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5) If someone ever asks if you want a free trip to the Bahamas instead of going to your 9-to-5.

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6) When you gain 5 pounds and your jeans won’t button anymore

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7) When your alarm clock blares on Monday morning to bear the tragic news: “No more weekend.”

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All hail Miss Velvet Von Black!

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6 Ways Your Dates Could’ve Gone Way, Way Worse

1) Hehehehe, god forbid these pictures of two large 5-year-olds end up on Facebook.

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2) If that b*tch be infringing on yo territory

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3) If the moment feels oh sooooo right, but the timing is OH SOOOOOO WRONG.

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4) Big Pointer #1: Younger siblings (if applicable) are totally a legit must-have for romance.

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5) Um, bae…shouldn’t we talk about that first?

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6) And then if you luck gets really shitty…

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But no matter how awry it gets, you’re always each other’s badass hero and dynamite gal.

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